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Are You Hiding Your Love Life Behind Excuses? By Alpa Saujani

"All the good ones are taken..."
"I don't have time to look right now, work is busy..."
"I'll look when I [achieve something - i.e. lose weight, buy a flat, get a new job etc fill in as appropriate]..."

Have you in the past, or are you currently using any of the above, or similar excuses not to actively search for love?

So here's a question that I ask you to answer honestly, if the person of your dreams knocked on your front door right now would you:

1. Turn them away because you do not think that any good ones are left?
2. Would you say come back in 3 months, as I am busy with a project at work?
3. Ask them to return when you have completed one of your personal goals?

Taking an educated guess, you would do none of the above. Instead, you would accept them whole-heartedly with open arms because despite all of the excuses, or justifications not to actively seek love, deep down inside you do want to be with someone. People often create this type of smoke screen because they're scared. They fear failure, rejection and getting hurt. Understandably, when you've encountered challenging dating & relationship experiences it's natural to feel a little cautious but by shutting the door on love, you're seriously missing out.

Let's start with FEAR - my favourite acronym for FEAR is False Emotions Acting Real. In other words, it's not happened, it's just your perception of what might happen but more importantly it's not reality! Furthermore, when we do feel fearful and do it anyway, most of the time it's never as bad as we actually anticipated.

Failure - isn't it better to try and then fail because by not trying you're failing anyway? If you've stopped looking for love after being unsuccessful for a number of years both in your search and/or in relationships, or because you've reached a certain age and have now given up that's a real shame. Firstly, love knows no age. Secondly what you may perceive as failures are simply experiences, albeit without your desired outcome. At the risk of sounding clichéd, these experiences are part of life's journey and lessons manifested for growth and progression, not to stagnate your love life. When you apply this to the old adage of "you have to kiss a lot of frogs/frogettes before you find your prince/princess”, it all starts to make much more sense!

Rejection goes hand-in-hand when it comes to dating and relationships. The best thing that anyone can do, is not to take it personally and accept that it‘s always a possibility. Once you let go of the fear of rejection, dating and relationships become much more enjoyable and fulfilling experiences. What's more, anytime you do face rejection, remember it's simply because something is not working. Whilst this may feel like a bitter pill to swallow at the time, on a positive note it means that you're now free to meet someone with whom it does work with and that can only be a better outcome in the long run.

Hurt, it's such a personal emotion that is often difficult to articulate but equally with time it always subsides. Whilst it may be difficult to trust and open up to new people when you have had a challenging experience, you've got to be mindful not to judge the whole of the male or female population based on a sample of one. If you close your heart off to romance, the only person that is missing out is you. Whilst it may be scary to put yourself out there again, the potential reward of being in a loving and healthy relationship, riding those euphoric waves of romance is priceless and absolutely worth the risk.

Now that we have dealt with all of the excuses, is it time to make a concerted effort and put yourself out there again? Start by checking out our Asian dating events calendar, or get in touch to have a chat about our personal matchmaking service because despite the fantasy, Mr or Miss Right will not be knocking on your door. Just remember, in spite of all the things that can go wrong in love, when it's good, it's the most amazing feeling in the world that you simply cannot get from anything else! This is probably why they say "It's better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all..."

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An insightful read and absolutely spot on. I have been using the type of excuses that you have highlighted for years. I guess over the years, I have just got comfortable and stopped looking. You certainly have given me some food for thought and may be I will see you at a future event.


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