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Do You Date With Integrity? By Alpa Saujani

You've been on a couple of great dates, there's chemistry, banter and regular communication. Things are going well but then out of the blue the calls stop and texts start to tail off. When there is some communication there is no further mention of another date. You call, or text and there is no reply for days. When you finally receive a message, you read it and think, "well what am I suppose to infer from that, are they interested or not?"

At some point during your dating journey, you may have found yourself in a similar situation to the above, where you're not quite sure where you stand. Most people understand (even if they don't like it) and appreciate that not everyone that they're interested in dating, will want to date them. However, when it's not communicated clearly by the person that is no longer interested, it can often cause disappointment, frustration and heartache. In some cases, it may even cause setbacks, depending on someone's self-esteem and dating experience.

Meena is 29, a teacher by profession. She confesses that there have been occasions when she has text, or called a guy a few times when there is radio silence to ascertain whether he is still interested. Whilst Meena does not have an issue if a guy is no longer interested, it's his lack of communication which leaves her in limbo that drives her nuts. In her own words "I guess I just want to know without doubt if he's no longer interested, so I can get closure and move on. It's confusing when someone goes from being highly interested to disinterested without anything in between..."

Meet Satpal, 36, Civil Engineer "we had a great couple of dates, I organised everything and she seemed to be making all of the right noises. Then the response time in between text messages got longer and longer. I called a couple of times but got voicemail. Of course I was disappointed that she was not interested but I was more disappointed that she did not have the courtesy to let me know her intentions." Satpal admits that on the occasions that he has found himself in these situations, it has impacted his self-confidence and taken him a little while to start dating again.

Interestingly, both Meena and Satpal put other 'dating leads' on the backburner when they start dating someone that they really like as they feel that they are unable to give others a fair chance. Perhaps this validates the argument for multi-dating that until someone proves that they are worthy of exclusivity and you're in a committed relationship, no doors should be prematurely closed.
 
I'm a big advocate of treating others how you would want to be treated, be it in a dating context, or otherwise. At the very basic level it's just common courtesy, surely everyone was raised with this value? So why the lack of integrity, in communicating intentions, when it comes to dating? Cowardice? Selfishness? Lack of empathy? If you're guilty of this type of behaviour, just consider that by being honest (even if it's challenging) not only do you make it easier for the other person to move on, you're also banking karmic points and getting a clear conscience in the process.

Arguably, when someone starts to withdraw contact the writing is on the wall and similarly sometimes when relationships end, one does not always get closure, or know and understand what went wrong. Sadly, it's all part of the dating game and the longer you play the better you learn to manage these types of situations. But if you are someone who really needs closure my advice, stop analysing and ruminating, write a letter (but don't send it!) to get it out of your system and get back out there in the dating world. Just remember one man's loss is another man's gain...



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Comments

TJ - I am going to have to beg to differ. The way that I see it is that we are all adults, and surely as professional individuals we would be able to convey the message of not being interested in an honest but non-offensive manner. I know that I would rather someone tell me that they are not interested then leaving me hanging and guessing.
It's always hard, (and slightly embarrassing) if you're a boy or girl, to let someone know you are no longer interested in them romantically. Sometimes out of respect it's better to say nothing than say something which the other person will receive negatively. Which is a great shame unfortunately
Thank you for this article that I believe applies equally to men and women. It's a sad when you think about it that we should struggle to treat others with respect and common courtesy.
I can really relate to Meena, it's just so frustrating when guys do not clearly communicate their intentions. If they are no longer interested, it's fine just have the good manners to let a gal know.
 

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