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Dating: Are you punching above your weight?

When it comes to dating, are you trying to punch above your weight? What happens when you consistently do not get the results that you desire? Is it time to put the ego aside and reassess your game plan?

Recently, I met up with one of my single Asian male friends on a flying visit to London. At 37, he is still single and trying to find the woman of his dreams. In his heyday, he was of an athletic build, handsome and frequenting exclusive bars, clubs & restaurants. The women he dated were size 0, head-turning gorgeous and attracting attention everywhere they went. Today, my friend is still attractive but he has put on some weight and is ageing like nature intended. However, his desire to meet & marry a slim woman is no longer yielding the same results. So I asked him, whether he thought it was time to broaden the category of his ‘physical type’?

His response: “no, I know what I find attractive, by compromising on this I could be tempted to look outside of the marriage”. I then queried how he could conclude that he would not find a women sized similar to himself (or even a size 12/14) attractive? If he has physically & mentally filtered out women who fall into these categories, how could he be so sure without even trying? Please note, I completely relate and understand that you have to be attracted to someone, if you are to pursue a relationship. But surely, given an opportunity attraction can be formed from more than just physical attributes, like personality, attitude towards life, intelligence and so on?

Ironically enough, when he reminisced about the women he had previously dated, he said that they were high maintenance and hard work. These women were able to get lots of attention, so if he was not giving it to them, they could easily find it elsewhere. Personally, it sounds like more effort than it’s worth, but hey what do I know, I’m just a woman! But it did get me thinking - when you’re in a long-term relationship, the physical attraction eventually ‘normalises’ so at that point how important is it whether she is a size 0 or 14? It’s the mental stimulation that will dictate the longevity of the relationship.

He shared with me that a few of his recent dates were with very attractive and slim women. Unfortunately, there were no second dates despite the interest on his part. At the restaurant, I asked him to look at the couples around us to see if he felt that they were on par with one another based on their physical attributes and levels of attractiveness. Out of the 8 couples, both their physical statures and attractiveness were proportionate to one another. But as we were leaving, an attractive slim woman walked in with an average plus built guy on her arm. My friend wasted no time in pointing out to me that he still had hope, despite the odds being against him. Undeterred, I continued to validate my point that in general like attracts like. There are reasons why the likes of Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie are together.

I asked him whether he thought it was fair to ask of something from a potential partner that he himself could not bring to the table. To his credit, he was aware that his build may not be appealing to some slim women, but it did not have any bearing on what he found attractive. He went further and used an analogy – a poor man may want to drive a rich man’s car, just because he is poor it does not stop him from wanting that car. Whilst this made sense, I then put forward that the poor man may desire this car, however there are only 3 possible outcomes. Firstly, the poor man may take some action to increase his status so he can afford the car. Secondly, he may just have to accept and be happy that he will only drive a car within his budget. Thirdly, he can remain car-less whilst he spends years saving up for the rich man’s car with no guarantee of obtaining it... But if he can eventually afford it, I hope for his sake it lives up to his expectations!

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