When it comes to the dating game, who has it harder? Men? Women? Or both genders equally? If you ask a man, the majority will say it’s men and if you ask a woman the same question, she’s highly likely to say women. So why does each gender believe that they have it harder?
Tina is a single professional Hindu lady in her early thirties, in search of her Mr Right. However, when she’s in the presence of single Asian men, she becomes very conscious of keeping herself 'in-check'. She believes that whilst there are some guys out there who like confident women, there are equally, if not more guys who interpret confident women to be inflexible, uncaring and dominating, which in most cases couldn’t be further from the truth. As an educated and intelligent woman it’s only natural that she is going have her own opinions, again she’s mindful. On the one hand she does not want to appear as a dimwit but on the other hand she’s also cautious because she does not want to be labelled as a woman who is opinionated, rigid or argumentative. When it comes to having some fun and laughter, Tina holds back. If she’s too playful, she fears coming across as to flirtatious or easy, when in fact she would be doing what comes naturally to her, without any sub-text. In her mind, men do not have to worry about these things because in the dating world, it’s still very much a man’s world.
In her mid-twenties, Aarti finds the whole dating game a minefield. As a straightforward individual she wants to meet an equally straightforward guy. She describes the dating game as a head-ache. "Most people are attached to their mobile phones – so why do you have to be so calculated and wait to respond to a text, or ignore a call. What are we 12? We are all adults now with busy lifestyles, why waste it playing nursery games?" She believes that because she is not willing to play the games, guys lose interest and perceive her to be readily available. Again, this is not the case, she just believes in treating people in a way that she herself would like to be treated.
As a Sikh lady approaching her late thirties, Seema believes that single Asian women of her age have it much harder. She attributes this to her age. In her experience, single Asian men of her age want to meet younger women. The guys that she has met who are older than her, they just seem to have less in common and are lacking the 'je ne sais quoi' that she is after. So in her opinion, when it comes down to it, men have a much easier time as they have access to a bigger pool of potential partners than women.
Priya just feels deflated by the whole dating process. As an easy going successful professional who has everything going for her, she just can’t get her head round why it is so hard to meet someone on the same page. When she meets guys that present a glimmer of hope, things have just not worked out. She believes that the men are either intimidated by her professional success, they make assumptions and mis-judge her characteristics based on her profession, or whilst they initially show a keen interest, the men still want to play the field to see if they can do any better, despite being in their 40s!
Being a modern woman, Chaya has on occasion expressed her interest towards men that she has liked. She believes that in life, if you see an opportunity and do not seize it, it may not come around again. Unfortunately, more often than not, this has not worked out very well for her. She believes that it is because men perceive her to be too keen, or desperate. Again, this is not the case, she simply knows what she wants out of life and is prepared to be proactive and do something about it. However, she has now decided that perhaps her philosophy works in all areas of her life, with the exception of her dating life. So now when she comes across a guy that she likes, she plays 'hard to get' albeit with a great deal of trepidation - as she's now concerned that he may interpret that as ‘she’s not interested’. However, she prefers to come across as aloof rather than desperate. For these reasons, Chaya believes that it is much easier for men because despite living in a modern society, men still feel emasculated when a woman is forthcoming. Thus, a relationship is likely ensue if the guy initiates interest (assuming that the woman is also attracted to him) versus when a woman initiates interest.
Ladies, can you relate to any one of these women? Men do you think women have a misguided perception? Interested in what men think? Look out for part 2 of this article next week Friday. In the meantime, it would be great to hear your thoughts and experiences. To comment, please fill in the box below, which you can do anonymously and let your opinions be heard - thank you.Alpa Saujani
I wanted to say thanks for the articles and the comments, Its great to be able to share knowledge as this is the key to striking it right!
I can relate to all the things said in the examples as I have personally experienced them or have heard others describe such events.
My thoughts say that courtship has been made very complicated! every time we pursue someone suitable - our sanity is put to the test and more often than not (male or female) or hearts and minds become clouded and thus being on the receiving end of uncontrollable variables we act cowardly (at times intentionally and at others unintentionally).
The method of seeking someone suitable may be dressed up differently these days but we have many blessings to share challenging wisdoms at our fingertips, we are far less hopeless then people imagine.
There are some experiences we have no option other than to repeat, that is the price we have to pay to have a choice. Those who are connected with themselves, their conscious minds and the truth will always see the light even in pressure cooker situations.
Infinity is not imaginary. Eternity is not some far-fetched romantic notion. These things are very real. More real, indeed, than the fleeting lives that we lead and the ephemeral identities that we relate to so closely. How dare any of us decide that there is only one thing that is ever going to make us feel happy? What is the point of feeling fed up about one thing you seemingly can't have or change, when there is such a bigger perspective to be seen?
So for the ladies I share this: If we are born into a mans world we have the power to be a secret force behind every great man that we meet as a boy. we just have to take into account, the fact we can choose - hopefully wisely as well as from the heart. For the gents; please remember its a two way street. With the right ingredients and the methodology of cooking (the way you both like it) the product will inevitably taste wonderful!
so lastly for my fellow daters, keep it simple, keep it real and most importantly sharing is caring in this ocean of lost minds, trials and tribulations. have courage to get connected so even if its not fruitful, your helping to build strong foundations. You have to give to get ;)
Good article and discussion. I think some men and women can relate to some of the comments made in the article itself, if they have been at the receiving end of the perceptions/experiences?! I agree on a couple of points:- (1) Some guys appear to be quite open minded but it most cases they are quite shallow wanting a good looking, fair, young, slim, tall and smart woman on their arm. The element of whether she can make a good partner / wife is neither here or there to be honest. Some of my closet single guy friends describe their ideal woman to be tall, slim, fair, good looking, someone they are really into and not wanting her to be out of their sight. I just find it amusing that they can never really describe their ideal partner beyond physical appearance. (ii) A lot of the guys in their late 30's and early 40s want younger women. My friend who helps out at various temples where they have a list of potentials informed me that guys of these ages want women who are (say) are 25 - 34. There is no realism here, women in that age category will probably be looking for similar age groups instead of late 30s and early 40s. They really need to wake up and smell the coffee here. I know so many ladies in their mid to late 30s who are beautiful and intelligent women with a lot to offer. I ask guys to be a little realistic, as being over selective could result in actually you bypassing your ideal partner. I think it's hard enough finding someone decent, honest, trust worthy, loyal and open (like for like) let alone having conditions on age, height, colour of skin, profession, amongst other criteria being laid on. Single people out there, good luck!